Ugh, even just writing that makes me want to puke.  

Overachievers, high performers, golden children: we do this a lot.  We receive a request and ever fiber of our being screams "NO" but we meekly agree to whatever the request is that's been presented to us.  And then we lose sleep, lose income and lose precious me-time satisfying the needs of others.   We abandon carefully crafted boundaries for a variety of reasons... go with me on this journey:

1. Close your eyes (or, you know... don't if you don't want to)
2. Take a breath.  Take another
   
3. Think about the last three days
4. What are the moments when you reluctantly agreed to something that you weren't really interested in doing, that hijacked your time, or that created unhealthy conflict within you.  What signals were your mind, your body and your heart giving you that "yes" wasn't It?  Did you listen?
5. What has that choice brought to you?

For me, I've said "yes" when I wanted to say "no" three times in the last three days.  That's way more queasiness than a girl needs.  The "yes" has brought in work that I'm not passionate about and has taken time away from my family.  I deserve to treat myself, my business and those who are important to me better than that.

Set your boundaries
Honor your boundaries
​Choose yourself

Get to know your No.  What motivates you?  What's important to you?  What are you reaching for and moving towards every day?  Now, flip those questions: what demotivates you?  What's not important or a priority for you and your business?  What will get in the way of your progress?  Be really honest with yourself here.  This could be something as simple as I'm not agreeing to vacuum the living space on Tuesdays to something bigger like We have no availability for new work until June and cannot do a "favor" for past or current clients.  Hold that line with confidence and when the internal negging starts, think about how you'd talk a friend or client through this scenario and then talk to yourself that way, too.
-- A quick note here:  When you send a declination, you don't owe anyone an explanation.  I hear this from my clients a lot: I don't want to do this, but what should I say because I don't want to hurt their feelings...   Give yourself a couple of boilerplate responses to have on-hand, 2-3 sentences that sound like you, are polite but firm, and close the door on the request.

Understand what you're saying Yes to.  It's simple: when you say no to some Thing you're actually saying yes to some Thing else.  It could be a vacation or a more relaxed opportunity to deliver for a client; it could be room to internally strategize or nourish your business and yourself.  Your time is finite and so is your energy.  Spend it on what adds the most value to you. 

It's going to take a little practice, but I promise you: do the prep work now to make the "no" easier later.

This time last year, I was hot off a coaching certification class, supporting coaching clients, in the final weeks leading up to a huge project deadline at my day job, mentoring a student director on a musical, in pre-production for my next stage play, making plans for my partner's upcoming birthday, and recovering from shingles (this is not a blog post about shingles).  

I was expecting a pause in my schedule as pandemic numbers grew increasingly worrisome and closer to home.  I was expecting 90 days of uncertainty.  I had no idea how my world would change.  None of us really, practically, understood the Experience that would become 2020. 

And here we are, one year later.  To say I've learned a lot about myself, my relationships, and my community would be a lame understatement.  My life and my livelihood simply changed, full-stop.  While I miss parts of the world from before, I'm anxious to see what's emerging: the old tactics are not going to apply in this newer world.  Opportunities abound.  We're all in the funknown now.  

I'm feeling oddly reflective.  With the privilege of hindsight I'm struck by those little things that hit me hardest over this last year; lessons I may not have otherwise experienced:

1. Because of our "ships-passing" schedules in the beforetimes, we relied on easy dinners that could be cooked in under 30 minutes and easily reheated in Tupperware.  We were long-time subscribers to Blue Apron for those nights when someone had more bandwidth to adult-up and cook A Meal.  So often (too often), we'd "grab something on the way" due to lack of adequate planning.  Quarantine hit, we bought a chest freezer and stocked it; we planned our dinners for 14 days at a time and shopped to our menu.  We tried new recipes because we had nothing but time.  And then one fateful night our scheduled dinner went sideways, we pivoted, and a new staple was discovered:  Annie's Bunny Pasta with Yummy Cheese with chopped chicken.  We call it "chicky mac" and for a good five months we ate it once every 10 days.  We don't have small humans, so it's unusual for us to eat macaroni and cheese on the regular.  Sure, we'd keep a box in the back of the cupboard for a sick day, for emergencies, for parties, but this... this became a delightful bowl of no-fuss, only-fill dinner.  It leaves us with happy tummies.  There's something wholesome about tucking around a warm bowl, steam wafting upward, spoon in hand (yes, a spoon.  It tastes best when eaten with a spoon.  Don't ask me to explain the science).  What you expect is exactly what you get, which is marvelous during a time of upheaval and uncertainty.
2. There's no way else to say it.  I missed my commute.  Don't get me wrong: I hated sitting in traffic, which if memory serves is what I did 80% of the time I was in the car.  I learned very quickly that my commute was a buffer between the elements of my life.  I could talk on the phone or listen to a podcast or audiobook.  I could screlt along to music.  It was me-time baked in to my day that I didn't realize I had.  It was space to clear my head and/or put my game-face on.  Last spring, I started incorporating a commute into my day, but instead of getting in the car I'd walk around the block second thing in the morning (first thing is getting the dogs situated).   Some afternoons I'd go wild and reverse my commute or take a longer stroll.  I learned about the pandemic rhythms of my neighborhood.  I witnessed the seasons change, neighborhood politics on display, puppies grow, renovations sprout.  I got fresh air and quiet time.  I forced a distinction between home time and work time that I couldn't otherwise institute in my day without literally stepping outside.  What I didn't understand before March 2020 was that while destination of my commute was often for someone else, the actual journey and progress was mine.  And if that's not a schmaltzy metaphor for life...
3. Our dogs are creatures of extreme habit.  When they wake up, the order in which they eat their meds and food, where they drape themselves throughout the day... their routine is unshakeable and our interloping is unappreciated.  If you follow me on Instagram, you've seen pictures of our younger dog, Velma.  She's a compact cannonball of a pit bull.  She's adorable and attention-demanding and snuggly.  She makes guest appearances on client calls and presentations.  Who you don't see is our old man, Zozo.  Quickly approaching 14, he's achy and grumpy.  He's been with us since he was 6ish months old.  His clockwork routine means we don't have to set an alarm in the morning, and we can't lose track of time in the day because of needed and demanded potty breaks.  He plays like a puppy in little bursts, but the rest of the time he ambles like molasses.  He stops and sniffs and forgets and sniffs again.  He's a professional napper with a jackhammer snore.  Because one of us is always home, we get to experience this beautiful, heart-wrenching time with him.  Zo has always been stingy with kisses, and we presently compete for them.  He'll accept butt scritches from anyone, and he's lousy with them now.  With Zo we have the opportunity to slow down, cherish the predictability of routine when time no longer has any meaning, and simply be and feel and move how the day allows us to.  He moves at his own pace, and, now, so too do we.​

Those are the big three.  Sure, I could talk about the exhilarating, terrifying experience of blowing up my day job to create the type of work life I wanted.  I could extol the virtues of yoga pants and lounge bras; of not wearing high heels and makeup.  Of protesting and Go Funding and learning and unlearning; of panic for the world and grief for the unnecessary loss of so many people.  I'm sure you could, too.  

​But I'm curious: what has stuck with you?  What lessons have you learned about yourself?  What takeaways do you come back to when you reflect back on this year?

I've spent a large portion of my career in change management.  It's a field of varied theories and disciplines and methodologies governed by a single standard of conduct from the Association of Change Management Professionals, an organization of which I'm a founding member.   I am certified in one of the aforementioned methodologies and I'm one of the first 500 people in the world to achieve the Certified Change Management Professional credential (I'm really proud of that).  All of this gloating is meant to demonstrate that I'm a big change nerd.

Contents of each example go on to specifically call out how the changes benefit you (and the business).  I'm over-simplifying, of course.  And because change is constant, there are fleets of change management professionals working behind the scenes on behalf of the people who are impacted by proposed organizational or business changes to make the transition as seamless as possible; who address business goals and genuinely seek to improve things for people on the journey from where they are today to where they need to be, tomorrow.

But Kari, why are you writing about change in a coaching blog?  Since change management supports people as they undergo organizational transformation and coaching supports people as they undergo personal transformation, there is dynamic crossover between disciplines.  And whether we're talking organizational or personal lens, people look for a magic bullet to make the change stick; to guarantee success.

I wish-- oh how I wish-- there was a magic bullet to make change easy to implement and to adapt to, but there isn't (I know, bummer... but are you really surprised?).  In my 13-plus years in this field, I can share key questions that boost the likelihood of success if they're addressed in planning for change (and how they apply to coaching).  So here we go.

What is the problem you're trying to solve?  I love this question, and my clients are sick of me asking it.  It gets to the "TO BE" of the change equation.  If you're introducing something new,  what is it in response to?  Is something broken or inefficient?  What data do you have to support that it is broken?  Have you asked the people who are potentially impacted by this change if they have any thoughts/feelings/beliefs about the situation?  If we don't change at all or only change a little, what happens?  Or, if nothing is broken, where is the desire for this change coming from?  Without clarity of the problem from the outset, you don't know what you're working towards.  If you lack cohesion, vision and direction, you've failed from GO. There has to be a reason.

• The coaching perspective: Think about your I Want statement.  This is where you envision yourself beyond where you are today.  It's where you want to be.  If you can't proclaim a clear I Want,  how will you be able to describe what success looks like and know when you've arrived there?  

Why now?  We've clearly defined the problem and we know where we're going, together.  But is this the right time?  What is driving the timeline?  What's occurred that points to Exactly This Moment as the time to rip off the change bandaid?  As my PMP friends like to ask, are there any precursors or dependencies impacting the timing of this change?  How much change have people recently experienced, or may be experiencing, that contributes to their ability to be open to change?  Do you have the time and can you make the time do introduce the change in a way that allows for peoples' awareness, desire for the change, knowledge of and ability to change grown at a manageable rate?  While we can Kool-aid Man changes, it's more effective and less disruptive to business if we can be reasonable with the timeline.  For everyone involved.

• The coaching perspective: I ask new clients "why coaching, why now?"  There is usually some inciting incident or moment that pushes a client to coaching.  When we talk about how often we'll meet for coaching, we talk about what other things are going on in their lives that support or threaten their accountability towards their goals.  If the outcome is important enough, they make the time to choose themselves.

Who is sponsoring this change?  The change sponsor is the uber-champion of the initiative.  "They must be visible, trusted, and engaged throughout the change effort.  The [Sponsor] provides strategic direction, vision and leadership... fosters collaboration and communication... and ensures the realization of benefits and sustainment of the effort" (Ginsburg, 2018). The success or failure of a change initiative can hinge on having the right sponsor.*  Sponsors can be up-skilled to be most effective in their role, especially if they are enthusiastic, genuine and well-respected.  If they've none of those attributes, or if they shift their focus to the next shiny thing mid-change, your change is at risk.

• The coaching perspective:  Who are you pursuing coaching for?  Are you present during coaching?  Are you dedicated to holding yourself accountable as you pursue your I Wants?  Who is supporting you along the way?  If your motives aren't to yourself for yourself, if you're not committed to the time and the process of transforming, then you'll find you won't make progress and you will fall back on old, worn-out habits and behaviors that aren't serving  you.  Please don't change for me.  Choose you and let those changes amplify your relationships and your business.

Where are the barriers that might result in resistance?  It could be technology, time, abilities, willingness to change, fatigue: learn what's in the way of people easily saying "yes" to the change.  Have you spoken with them, or are you relying on assumptions and what the organization thinks people might need?  Conversely, do you understand what motivates the people who are being impacted by the change, to help shift focus to how the change adds value to their lives?

• The coaching perspective:  It's those internal "but what ifs" that stymy your progress before you're even out of the gate.  Your awareness and willingness to confront how you get in your own way can help topple any barriers you throw up (including. imposter. syndrome.).  When we talk about what success looks like, we also talk about how we'll celebrate your progress.  There's no reason not to reward yourself for the journey you're on and the hard work you're doing, whatever that reward looks like to you.

How will this change be sustained in the long-term?  I've worked on too many project teams where the mentality is that the work is over once a planned change is live.  That is, in fact, when the hard work begins.   That's when the change slowly morphs into routine and becomes part of a person's daily life.  That's when everything can go horribly awry.  The changes need to be reinforced.  People need to be reminded how to think, act and (possibly) feel about the change as they start to own their post-change experiences.**  Sometimes, people need additional support and nudges until they have the confidence to do it on their own.  If new changes come along, they also need support understanding how this new change relates to the old one.

• The coaching perspective: Because we explore the funknown, my clients develop myriad tools, behaviors and mindsets that create solutions and opportunities for sustained change in their lives.  These solutions are unique to them.  And when our coaching engagement concludes,  neither of us walks away completely.  We keep in touch and celebrate their successes.  Clients return for tune ups if they want, or when they identify new I Wants to pursue.  They know I'm there to support their accountability as they move through life.  

Think about the changes you've tried to introduce to your life that maybe haven't stuck.  Where did you lose track of your goal?  Which question led to the breakdown?  How can I support you as you navigate the in-between-- the funknown-- between where you are today and where you want to be?



* I believe in this so much that I published a white paper in 2018 about the effectiveness of sponsors that I'll gladly share if you'd like to nerd-out with me.  
** Think about it this way: you get a puppy.  You enroll with the puppy in obedience training to make sure they have good little puppy manners.  The puppy learns that you're a helper and they look to you for guidance.  Together, you work hard and they graduate from training.  And overnight you stop reinforcing the training.  You stop calling the cues, stop gently correcting bad manners, or don't pursue additional training. ​You expect the puppy to have it, but they fall apart.  They still needed your help and guidance.  The failure of their manners isn't theirs; it's yours.  You gave up on them at a critical developmental period. 

Of course I choose me, don't I?  Sure.  Yes.  Mostly.  Often.   The more I thought about choosing myself, the more my certainty about actually doing it faltered:

• I chose the college I attended because they gave me the most financial aid to support the field I wanted to study, and that was the field I chose because my college counselor suggested I wouldn't get into other programs of study... Financial aid plus adult guidance does not equal choosing me
• I stayed at jobs where I was harassed or devalued for way too long because I didn't want to disappoint the very people who were harassing and devaluing me... Choosing pain and discomfort does not equal choosing me
• I once got a tattoo that was larger, darker and literally not what I wanted because it was what my partner at the time wanted... not.  choosing.  me.

This not-choosing-for-me mental list reflected patterns in my thought processes and behaviors; reasons and excuses and external factors that I allowed to influence decisions that I made not necessarily for my own benefit, but to prevent the discomfort or disappointment of others.  

A second list, choosing-for-me, bubbled up radiant moments when I let go of what I thought or imagined were exterior expectations and said yes to my instincts, my needs and my wants:

• I left an unhealthy marriage because I woke up one morning and realized that the weight of my life wasn't sustainable; that that couldn't be it for me... 
• I bought a Mini Cooper because I wanted to, and it supported my commuting needs,  and it reduced my fuel and car payment expenses; plus I looked really damn cute driving it...
• I have allowed friendships to fall away because we weren't helping each other be our best selves, because things had become one-sided, because I didn't like who I was with those people...
• I took a leap to open a business during a global pandemic because I wanted to work differently, I wanted my days to have different meaning, and I wanted the hustle to be for me...

Those moments of choosing me have led to little joys, greater happiness and more opportunities to thrive.  I choose me because I deserve to after years of not living for me.

I spend gads of time with clients unpacking why they can't or shouldn't do things. 
      "They expect something else from me." 
      "What if I disappoint them."
      "I don't want to seem selfish."
All valid, selfless reasons to avoid social discomfort.  And when we talk about the cost of those decisions, I always, always think about a life on the high seas and ask, "what happens if you choose you?"

Welcome to January!  The dumpster fire that was 2020 is giving way to a new decade, a new administration, a new vaccine, and a new hope (though not of the Star Wars variety).
​
Whether you've spent the last few days culling down your social media friend lists, clearing out your inbox, or clearing off your countertops, I suspect you're also mentally preparing for the year ahead. 

At the start of every year, that hope and mental preparation typically equates to goal-setting.  I know: how predictable that a coach is posting about goals in January.  I'm disappointed in myself, too... but before I get to goals I want to say one thing
​
​(hoists herself onto a soap box)

(hops down from a soap box)

​Is the start of the year a good time to take a moment to reflect on where you are and where you want to be? Sure.  Can you also do that reflection on a random Tuesday in May?  Yes.  Are goals and change and transformation easy one-and-done activities?  Nope.  Coaches and therapists and friends and partners and the Internet and books and your pets can all help and support you on your journey.

But if you're feeling like making a tweak to your life, if you're looking to set some goals or-- as I like to call them-- I Want statements to help you dominate in this new year, here are four tips to help drive your success and make those goals stick:

Tip 1:  Capture Your I Want Statement

• Think about where you are in your life (or your work, or your relationships, or with fitness, etc.).  Really think about it for a moment. 
• Then, think about where you want to be.  What does that look like?  What does it feel like?  Can you taste it?  Hear it?  Smell it? Engage all of your senses to imagine it. 

That, my friends, is your I Want Statement.  It should have Goldilocks's idea "just-right": big-but-not-too-big and specific-but-not-restricting.  Are you feeling both exhilarated and nauseous about this I Want?  If yes, then it's an excellent goal.

Tip 2:  One Bite At A Time
Achieving your goal isn't going to happen overnight.  You have to break it down into small, bite-sized chunks and commit to focused work to drive that goal to success.  Your I Want may have a bunch of little I Wants as you start to clarify your journey towards success.  Take into account obstacles that you imagine may get in your way, and strategize now to prevent them from derailing you.  

Tip 3: Know What Success Looks Like
How will you know you've reached your goal if you don't spend a moment imagining success?  How will you measure your progress toward that goal?  To get science-y, don't forget to give yourself both quantitative (numeric, or countable) and qualitative (feeling, action, behavior) ways to track your progress.

Tip 4: Deadlines & Accountabili-buddies 
Napolean Hill (the Think & Grow Rich guy) said "A goal is a dream with a deadline."  Without giving yourself a date or time by which you want to achieve your I Want and see results, you're going to get stuck in "whelmed" reverie.  You're doing for the sake of doing.  You're stuck in neutral.  You won't realize results for yourself. 

• For each big I Want and each bite-sized  chunk, identify a "by when" date.  Give yourself a bunch of "by whens" to keep you motivated and moving towards your I Want, especially if your journey is going to be a long one.
• Even though your I Want is personal, having external support can keep you accountable to yourself.  Find a person in your life who can be your accountability buddy, or your accountabili-buddy if you're feeling cute.   They can cheer you on, they can prop you up, and they can help get you back on track and hold you to your commitment to yourself.

Let me know how I can help you as you're planning and crushing your goals.  Not sure you're on the right track?  Let's connect and work through it together.
​

During our coaching engagements, we talk about your I Want statement (that's the big goal that you're working towards).  While uncovering and discovering your I Want, we also talk about what success looks like and feels like.  What are the thoughts, actions, and behaviors that reflect the achievement of that I Want statement?  How will you measure that success to know you've arrived at it?

We also talk about rewards and celebrations for both big and small results.  What are you going to do privately and publicly (or, within your support network) to celebrate hitting those milestones,  actualizing those achievements, bringing whatever it is you WANT into your life?

Here's why this is important: celebrating gives you a moment to reflect back on your accomplishments and to remember why that goal was important to you.  It gives you a moment to give thanks for the personal accountability you've brought to yourself and reinforces motivation.  If you believe in manifesting practices, acknowledging and honoring success will bring more success your way.  If you were to google "why celebrating success is important," you'll see hundreds of search results with variations on these themes.  However, what matters most is you.  YOU did this.  YOU accomplished this.  YOU deserve to celebrate you.

So, what are are you doing to celebrate yourself?  As you prioritize others this season, make sure you're also rewarding yourself for your progress, your achievements, and the fact that you're pretty badass.

Do me a favor: leave me a little note about how you celebrate yourself and your successes.  Is it a long walk?  A Wendy's Frosty?  A dance part in your kitchen?  One more episode of that binge-worthy show on tv?

This one's gonna be quick.

When we sit down together to identify your "I Want" statement (that's the big goal that brought you to coaching), I'm going to ask you a series of follow-on questions.  They usually go something like this:

• What does success look like to you?
• How will you approach your life or business (or both) as you arrive at your goal?
• What will you be doing differently when you've been successful in achieving this goal?

I ask you these questions because I want to make sure it's clear to both of us what we're working towards.  I want to make sure you hear yourself establishing milestones, intended behaviors or thought processes, and that you begin to envision yourself in success.  This is a crucial component of self-accountability.

Then, I'm going to ask you a follow-up question that my clients always, always get annoyed at me for bringing up:  How are we going to measure your progress?  (I'm going to pause here to say that if the opening chords of Seasons of Love just started worming their way into your ear... well... you're welcome.)

It's not a trick question. You've told me only moments ago how success appears against your senses.  This "ugh" question forces you to quantify the qualitative:  Where are you (today), where do you want to go (your goal), where are you challenged (the Funknown) and where are you making progress (measures).  Measures-- or metrics, if you're  Six Sigma kinda person-- drive your goals and catapult your achievements.  They are unique to you and reflect what's important to you.

If we don't know what we're measuring your progress towards your success, then how will we know when to celebrate?

​When you're starting a coaching business-- or any business, for that matter-- you're encouraged to "niche-down".  Who are your clients?  Where do you find them?  How will they know you're of their tribe?  And then you're encouraged to niche down further, to dig deeper and focus on your target Person.

By now I hoped you've spent some time exploring this website.  You see that my clients are female-identifying or femme entrepreneurs.  They're brash and bold.  They want to dominate their lives, professionally and personally.   They're disrupters while being disarming (which is a phrase that my friend Anthony coined).  They're badass.

But why this particular group of women?  I'm so glad you asked.  Women need to raise up other women.  One of the phrases that's been on-repeat in my life is that we need to take care of each other.  We need to promote one another.  Healthy competition is always welcomed, except when it's more appropriate to step to the side and shine your light on someone else.  I cannot tell you how many times my professional development has been stifled by other women pulling me down while the men above me push me back.  It's exhausting.

But Kari, hasn't the workplace become more welcoming of women's voices?  LOL sure.   Salary disparity is narrowing, advancement opportunities are expanding, and the workplace is slowly evolving into a more welcoming place for (almost) everyone).  

But look.

Female empowerment is the fastest growing business trend in 2019 according to Forbes. Female and femme business owners and thought leaders are a fast-growing economic segment whose businesses are less likely to succeed long-term despite start-up success.   According to the Harvard Business Review, this is due in large part to a gender gap in entrepreneurship; there is a lack of resources and opportunities for inclusion and networking for female entrepreneurs.  Instead of industry making room for them, females are expected to adapt to the old ways of doing things while fighting for a new seat at the table.  

Because of this need to adapt, female entrepreneurs face unique challenges in the business world.   Through blatant direction or micro-aggressions, they are made to feel like they should:

• Take up less space- Be small, fit in and don’t make a mess.
• Speak quietly- Conduct polite conversation in agreeable tones and cede knowledge to those who have legacy places at the table.
• Act more like a man- This one boils my blood in some peculiar ways.  To me, this often reads, be a lady but be less ladylike to fit in with the boys, which is absolute bullshit.
• Downplay their authentic selves- Don’t be who you are.  Be who we want you to be.

None of this allows female entrepreneurs to achieve the success they deserve, either at a personal or professional level (and with entrepreneurs, that personal/professional line is often blurred).  And so my clients feel unfulfilled.  They often seek permission to be who they are.  Together through coaching, we identify their goal and leap toward it together so that in the end they can:

• Spread out– Take the space and the room that they need in order to be seen
• Get loud- Own their voice, command the room and make themselves and our business heard
• Act more like a man- Why not; if that’s what business wants them to do, then maybe this is the gift that female entrepreneurs can give.  If they're reimagining what it means to be a female in the workspace, then let's help the old boys reimagine gender in industry while they're at it.

Don’t get me wrong: It’s not about being rude or disrespectful.  It’s about establishing a cornerstone in the marketplace and helping to shape the future of Business one boss bitch at a time.  She's in there and she's ready to dominate.  How about we give her a boost? 
​

"Tell me about a time you've failed" is a trick question.  Interviewers ask it to gain a sense of your ego, your ability to handle adversity, and how you rebound.  But it is a trick question.  Let me explain.

During coaching sessions, I often ask my clients, "what does X mean to you?" or "what does Y look like to you"?  Some variation on that.  Words have specific definitions and, since language is fluid, we have the ability to express ourselves in whatever manner we want and need to characterize our experiences.  Recently, I asked a client what success looks like, and they asked back "didn't we already cover this last time"? Well... yes.  But they defined success about a specific Thing and this was another Thing.  The markers for one don't necessarily describe the other. 

Much like I ask clients to clarify their meaning of success or happiness or whatever, my sense of failure is not your sense of failure.  How I quantify or qualify failure is dependent on many variables.  And there's the trick to the question: what do you mean by fail? 

We're taught that failure is something to be afraid of, to stay away from.  If we want to innovate, if we want to drive our industries, and if we want to supercharge our lives, we have to get over failure-as-bad real quick.  (Forbes, Medium, The Atlantic, HBR, and many, many other business publications agree.) Think of failure as a series of iterations to get something closer to "right".  Within those iterations, explore with resilience, humility, and an open heart and mind.  With failure comes risks, and with risks come opportunities.  Failing is getting out of your own way to be able to see what's next.  Failing builds character and focuses the journey.  Don't be shy: fail hard.

The next time you're invited to tell someone about a time you failed, chin up, deep breath.  Don't dwell on the failure; regale them with risk and tell them what you learned.

Shortly before the pandemic arrived, boss bitch Amy Maniscalco wrote a piece for Medium called 6 Phrases to Replace "I'm Sorry."  In it, she introduces "strong replacements for the meaningless apologies that do nothing but diminish the value of your time, your words, and ultimately your worth."  I immediately bookmarked the article, sent it to five friends, and began to incorporate those replacement phrases in my daily life. 

Perhaps because it was on my mind, I became aware of how often those two words were blurted for non-apologetic reasons.   I listened for it in public and in the workplace.  I noticed, too, when my coaching clients would apologize to me:
                    I'm sorry I'm talking so much.
                    I'm sorry I'm crying.
                    I'm sorry I'm laughing.
                    I'm sorry I didn't do my thought exercises.
                    I'm sorry to cut you off, but I just had a thought!

Many variations of these phrases are fueled by insecurity, fear, embarrassment, and shame.  My gut reaction was to respond with "You have nothing to be sorry for," but that would have / could have elicited more apologies.  "Why are you apologizing?" is also a terrible response.  (For the record, "I love it, keep going" is where I've landed.)

For so many years, female-identifying and femme professionals have been socialized to downplay their opinions, to be polite and "nice" and avoid ruffling feathers.  When we step outside of that minimizing world we're seen as punching up and acting #nasty or difficult, among other things. "It's cute that you're speaking up, but not the right kind of cute*."  So, be quiet and smile, and make sure everyone else is comfortable and having a good time.  But as Angeline Evans states on The Muse, "it’s important to recognize that not everything is your burden to bear."  Bottom line: You have nothing to apologize for.

Words mean things, and you shouldn't have to feel like you need to apologize for using your Voice.  ​The sorrys "make us appear smaller and more timid than we really are, and they can undercut our confidence,"  writes TED writer Daniella Balarezo.   If we've gotten into the habit of saying sorry for little, trivial things, is the impact of those two words diminished when something worth apologizing for comes along?
​
I'm done apologizing for being who I am and for the true things I say.  I will own my mistakes and my missteps in a way that matches the size of the grievance.  But here's the thing: you never, ever have to apologize to me for being your badass self.  Ever.  And I'm not sorry for that.

​
* A colleague actually said this to me once, and I immediately responded with, "I'm sorry" and awkwardly clammed up because I couldn't retrace my train of thought.  I was also so astounded by that comment spoken in the workplace that I was left gobsmacked.  This is a memory that really sticks with me.  WTF was I sorry for?  For using my subject-matter-expertise to press on an issue that sounded hinky?  For not being the right kind of cute?  It's a big regret that I didn't stand up for myself with a strong recovery in the moment, but it should never have happened in the first place.  Once I had my head back on, I took appropriate action with HR.  But I digress.... ​

Several years ago, I was a civil servant.  I first landed a government job not because I was particularly driven to the mission of the agency I was hired into-- it has a good, noble, important mission-- but because I needed A Job after being unemployed for three months (more on this in a later post).

Most mornings after my alarm sounded and I started to get myself assembled for the day, I'd open the closet door, sit on the floor and gaze at my options.  Usually, I'd grab my phone or, once I was senior enough, my government-issued Blackberry (TM) and check out what I had on the books for the day.  And then I'd think, "who do I need to be today?"