Extra
I am a lot.
I’m a lot of look. I’m a lot of energy. I’m a lot of volume. I effervesce and I glitter and I stand out. I have opinions.
Yes, I understand when I need to read the room and adjust, but I’m never not all of me. For many, many reasons it took me a long time to become comfortable in the hum of my own skin, to feel the pride-of-being-me, and so I refuse to not be a true version of myself, if at library-hush levels.
The world often asks me to not be me. My clients also hear the same “constructive feedback” on ways to embrace sameness. We’ve been called “too much,” and not in an affectionate way.
Too much means undertand your place.
Too much means be smaller.
Too much means act more like how people in this situation or role have traditionally acted.
Too much means othering.
After leaving university with a degree theater and a solid understanding of the human condition, I went looking for a job. And thus began the greatest acting role of my life. Business Kari. She dressed a certain way. She wore her long curly brown hair in a workplace-appropriate coiffure. She wasn’t overly showy with piercings or makeup or jewelry, although she was a little flashy with her footwear. Business Kari even had a business voice and a business presence.
And Business Kari was miserable. Quite honestly, IRL Kari was miserable too. She—I—was miserable because I was forcing myself to conform my approach to work, my style of leading, and my way of representing myself in the world in a way that was completely inauthentic. I was mentored to tone down my colorfulness. Where I worked, there were unspoken rules about not standing out due to anything but performance, and only then was it appropriate to stand out because of high performance. Does this sound familiar?
My leadership style had to be like my peers’. My problem solving needed to follow the models of the Covey’s and Heath’s and Kotter’s and Lencioni’s and I could keep going, but they’re all men who have decades on me. Because there’s this belief that if you don’t lead the way they prescribe, you’re obviously not doing it right. The same applies to building a business.
Through the years, I have seen other non-traditional leaders, doers and dreamers become more beige with each passing day. Their presence, voices, and expertise have been diminished because they approach things in a new and different way. This new way threatens the navy suits/neutral ties with legacy places at the table, and so these new leaders become small and quiet until such time as their conform-ing is complete and they too assume a seat at the table.
And it’s a shame. It’s a shame because these people—my people, to Too Much people—are a new brand of leader. It’s the unusual and unexpected leaders that stick with us. It’s the non-traditional looking and acting and thinking leaders who challenge “how things have always been done,” not because we’re workplace anarchists but because we see things with more luminosity than beige. We enhance leadership experiences. And so we become too much for the establishment.
The next time someone’s says you’re too much, I invite you to ask them two questions:
Too much for whom? [This will generally by met with an awkward pause and a nervous pivot— stay with them and ask again, respectfully.]
What is it that you think I should be doing differently? [My favorite response to this question— and the one I’ve heard most frequently is— “Well, if I was in your situation, I would do…” which welcomes a lovely conversation about the value in differences of perspective, experiences, and approaches.]
Welcome to the uproarious world of being too much. You’re exactly who you should be, how you should be, and where you should be. Now let’s do big, bold things.
