Asked & Owned
If you’ve worked with me one-on-one or watched through some of my IG stories, you know I’m a huge fan of Amanda Palmer’s The Art of Asking TedTalk, as well as her book by the same title. (Fun fact, if I open a Google search page and type t-h-e—a-r--- it’s gonna default to “the art of asking”.) While I don’t always agree with their politics and there are definitely white privilege blind spots at play, there’s a central thesis in the talk that keeps me coming back:
“Through the very act of asking people, I’d connected with them. And when you connect with them, people want to help you.”
I am very bad about asking people for help. I’m good about recognizing when I need help, but I’m not great at raising my hand and owning that need. I’m ashamed to be considered weak or incapable. I want to be seen as Strong; Badass. The connection received from asking feels too big.
And it doesn’t make sense, because when I am asked for help, I will show up and champion and fight and do whatever is within my power to provide. When other people ask me for help, I believe them to be asking without the same insecurities I feel.
How reckless of me.
The very art of asking means that we’re offering vulnerability to the world, setting ego aside, and being open and brave to what the world will give in return. By reaching out for something, we’re trusting that some thing or some one will meet us with service or solution. We’re banking on connection, not as currency, but as comfort.
If I feel comfortable giving fearlessly, then what’s keeping me from asking and receiving with the same fearlessness?
As with so many things, it’s my approach—my mindset—that needs practice and exercise. I want to figure out ways to ask that are both true to me and that allow me to own the shared experience that I‘m inviting. And I need to trust that people want to help when they are able, and in their own way.
And like so many Virgos who came before me, here’s my checklist for asking:
Be bold: If you downplay what you really need, that’s all you’re going to get. Ask for what you actually want or need help with, nothing less. If you’re doing the hard work to ask, why would you downplay your needs? Embrace your inner honey badger, yawp YOLO, and extend your hand for support.
Be specific: I talk about this a lot with goal-setting. Part of owning your ‘I Want’ is about being clear on how you’re going to get it for yourself. Let “specific, time-bound, and actionable” be your asking motto. How many times have you scrolled through Facebook and seen a friend post, “Having a bad day, please send puppy pictures”? Bold ask (Help me feel better). Time bound (today is a bad day). Actionable (send me this thing). Specific request (puppy pictures). Allow your bold ask to reflect exactly what you need, when you need it and how.
Be direct: Vagueness, hints, and passive aggressive overtures aren’t going to cut it. Part of asking is also owning.
Be kind: You may not always get exactly what you ask for. You may not get anything in response to asking. Don’t pout and don’t be a dick. Kindness matters and goes a long way to strengthening your connections.
This is the time of year for asking and giving. As you approach the holidays, I hope that you’ll practice asking for what’s really important and aligned with your values and goals, and receiving with humility and kindness.
There’s nothing more badass than shamelessly showing up for yourself, and this is just one more way to do that. So, ask away.
